So Much Hottness

    Today I had a closet appointment with a pretty regular client. She wanted to have her kids closets done. I was on my was to the appointment when she called to let me know that she was stuck at work and could I please meet with her son. No problem I said, one of the closets is his anyways so that would work out good, or so I thought.
        When I arrived at the appointment her son came to the door, I was expecting a teenager, a young kid with pimples and braces. What I got was hands down the hottest guy I had ever seen. Hotter even than movie guys. Hotter than the Ryans, (Reynolds and Gosling) and hotter than the Zachs, (Efron and Quinto).            Now as most of you know I have trouble with good looking guys, but with the hottest guy in the world. Well its not good my friends, not good at all.
         Now every girl knows that a good rule of thumb with guys is that their personality is an exact match to their looks, as in always judge a book by its cover. So this guy obviously had an amazing personality to go along with his amazing looks, so naturally I fell in love with him in that first instant we met. Some may find that a twenty five or thirty something guy living at home with his mom is a red flag, however I think he really just needs somebody to take care of him, and I COULD BE THAT PERSON!!!!!!
     Anyways let me tell you how this played out:
       As he led me upstairs to his bedroom, (keep your minds in a clean place, I was at this house to look at his closet), my mind was screaming at me, OMG OMG, ok be cool, dont say anything stupid. Nothing stupid! Seriously Grace be cool. OMG what if I have a booger?? When was the last time I checked for boogers?? When was the last time I looked in the mirror at all?? Man I wish I had lost those twenty pounds. I have changed my mind, skinny does feel better than food tastes. I bet I do have a booger. 
      "Im Will by the way", I heard him saying.
       "Oh Im sorry," I replied, suddenly realizing I hadn't said much past hello at the door, "Im Grace, here to do your closets."   Ahhh! Why else would you be here idiot!! 
     "So this is your closet, huh" genius Grace! ........... Grace and Will..... I like how that sounds.....
      Meanwhile Will was saying something about needing a cabinet for his laundry basket. He handed me the basket. "So I just need to be able to put this inside and shut the doors, so a cabinet big enough for that."
     I looked down at the laundry basket that I was now holding, and I kid you not, all that was in this laundry basket was several pairs of underwear. His underwear. Wills underwear. Sitting there, in the basket he just handed me. And they weren't gross underwear either, like the kind you would find when you cleaned your brothers room growing up, no they were boxer briefs in nice, bright colors. Just sitting there, all colorful, in my arms. My mind was going crazy Why! Why is there only underwear in this basket?! Why cant there be socks, or shirts, or.... or..... well any other kinds of clothing?!
     Suddenly I realized I had been staring at the underwear in this basket for about 30 seconds too long. I jerked my head up to find him looking at me with a very quizzical look on his face. Of course my whole face turned red. And then I started stammering, "Oh... Um.... Yeah... I was just.... um..... taking measurements..... of the basket... to make sure it will, um, fit in the cabinet. That I make....."
     I looked back down at the basket, great Grace you are so good at your job that now you can just eyeball measurements!!!  I set the basket down and pulled out my tape measure, "I just want to double check with the tape measure," I announced unnecessarily as I measured, "I want to make sure and get it right."
    After measuring the basket and his closet we went into his sisters room and measured her closet as well. I made some joke about wedding dresses, because there were three wedding dresses in his sisters closet, I dont know why? He laughed at my joke and when he did I got so exited that I sucked in air too fast, this caused me to swallow funny and then start choking on my own spittle. I couldn't catch my breath and my eyes soon started watering.
     At the end of the appointment he did not ask for my number, or a date. He didn't kiss me goodbye. He did give me a funny look, and I checked it wasn't because of a booger.....?

Analyzing red neck

           As many of you know I have recently moved to the big city of (the outskirts of) Seattle. This has been a big change for me since I grew up in a town so small there were no stop lights. The town I grew up in may have changed since I haven't been back in a long time, and I have no intention of going back anytime, ever. However it was the epitome of a red neck town. There were deer heads mounted to the front of pick up trucks, piles of horse manure in the grocery store parking lots, and for fun everybody drove up and down the main stretch of road, (about ten blocks) cruising. 

           My move to the city has opened my eyes to who I am. While I am finding that the city is awesome in some aspects, shopping, concerts, fancy restaurants. Great opportunity, (hello good job!). Amazing churches. Close to the airport. Shopping (I may have already mentioned that but it bears repeating). The truth is, I don't love the city. I miss greatly the wide open spaces, the woods, the lakes. The solitude. I do not love the four hour traffic jams, and the snooty Seattle people, and the dependency of everybody who lives here. Most of the guys I sell closets to don't even know how to take a shelf off the wall.

        Because of my stunning realization that I am not a city girl I suddenly got scared that maybe after all my running I have turned into a red neck after all. So I decided some googling research was called for. (the best kind of research!) I googled red neck and a song came up called "Red Neck Girl". For those of you unfamiliar with the song, here it is;

Well, I ain't never been the Barbie doll type
No, I can't swig that sweet Champagne, I'd rather drink beer all night
In a tavern or in a honky tonk or on a four-wheel drive tailgate
I've got posters on my wall of Skynyrd, Kid and Strait
Some people look down on me, but I don't give a rip
I'll stand barefooted in my own front yard with a baby on my hip
'Cause I'm a redneck woman
I ain't no high class broad
I'm just a product of my raising
I say, 'hey ya'll' and 'yee-haw'
And I keep my Christmas lights on
On my front porch all year long
And I know all the words to every Charlie Daniels song
So here's to all my sisters out there keeping it country
Let me get a big 'hell yeah' from the redneck girls like me, hell yeah
Victoria's Secret, well their stuff's real nice
But I can buy the same damn thing on a Wal-Mart shelf half price
And still look sexy, just as sexy as those models on TV
No, I don't need no designer tag to make my man want me
Well, you might think I'm trashy, a little too hardcore
But in my neck of the woods I'm just the girl next door
I'm a redneck woman
I ain't no high class broad
I'm just a product of my raising
I say, 'hey y'all' and 'yee-haw'
And I keep my Christmas lights on
On my front porch all year long
And I know all the words to every Tanya Tucker song
So here's to all my sisters out there keeping it country
Let me get a big 'hell yeah' from the redneck girls like me, hell yeah
Hey, I'm a redneck woman
And I ain't no high class broad
I'm just a product of my raising
And I say, 'hey y'all' and 'yee-haw'
And I keep my Christmas lights on
On my front porch all year long
And I know all the words to every ol' Bocephus song
So here's to all my sisters out there keeping it country
Let me get a big 'hell yeah' from the redneck girls like me, hell yeah
Hell yeah, hell yeah
Hell yeah
I said hell yeah!

So yeah. I almost have no words. I would like to say that I now know for sure I am not a red neck girl! I do need a designer tag. I will not go to wal-mart and buy camo underwear. I do not say hey y'all (although I do have a city friend that does) I do not say Yee-haw! My Christmas lights are down THE DAY AFTER CHRISTMAS! And Im not really sure who would be proud to be barefoot in the front yard with a baby on each hip. Although to be fair I do hate Champagne and love beer. 

Sex in Public

So as a general rule I don't like to talk about sex in my blog. This is mostly due to the fact that I do not consider myself an expert in this area by any means. If you wanted to discuss certain aspects of the sexuals with me I would be happy to discuss them privately, unless you are my sister-in-law, then I never want to discuss it ever. I am however going to break my rule for this blog post, so if you will be offended at the talk of sex you should discontinue reading at this point.

My older brother and his family were here from Alaska this last weekend. It was good fun and nice to see everybody. Last night we went to a friends Birthday party at a restaurant at our local mall. Our family has to take two cars to any event because of the kids and their car seats. We parked at the mall with one empty space between us. We ate, we drank, and we visited. We never ran into any problems until we ventured out of the restaurant and back to our cars. My older brother his family and myself went to our car and when I looked at the car next to us the interior light was on and there was a guy grinning at me like a complete fool and waving. My first reaction was confusion. I didn't quite understand what was going on. And then a girls leg popped up from under him and I suddenly realized that these people were doing it right there about 5 feet from where I was standing! And they had the interior light on!?! I averted my eyes only after I saw that she did indeed have her pants down and they were actually in the act. I quickly got in the car and turned my eyes. My brother however did no such thing. He got in the car and started honking the horn madly. (If your wondering why we didn't get out of there faster it is because we had kids that we were trying to get in car seats, meanwhile Jesse is honking away and every so often the guy next to us would pop his head up to give us the thumbs up.)

Really good times but it doesn't stop there. I texted the rest of my family to give them a heads up and we took off. When they came out the guy had open the door to the back seat was hanging out with his head by the lower half of her body if you will. Well his door was opened into my other brothers car so my mom and sister in law had to get his attention so they could get into the car. As they were pulling on their pants my mom decides small talk is in order. She talked about the weather and then asked them if they were on their honeymoon. They, the people doing it, seemed relatively unembarrassed about the whole situation.

The point of this story may not be clear to everybody here but basically it is this. If you must have the sexuals in your car please have it somewhere where there is no chance of people, ESPECIALLY CHILDREN, interrupting you.

First Loves

There is something about your first love. You never forget, and you always compare every guy you meet to that one amazing person, who lets be honest, at 18 was probably not that amazing. I've always had a sentiment for first loves. It all seems so romantic, no holding back, no hesitation, just head first, and full on. Thinking, no knowing for certain, that this is the person who you will be spending the rest of your life with. Everything is a first, first touch, first calls, first birthday present, valentines day, Christmas. First time getting caught behind the church together, (that might have just been me) But really no matter what your experience we can all agree it was fun. Not without its awkward moments, but so thrillingly fun!

For most people first kisses go hand in hand with first loves, my experience in this area was different because of a fun little book that was extremely popular among Christians in those days called, 'I kissed dating goodbye'. I now hate and loath this book, but at the time it was gospel to me and so the kisses I wanted never happened. My first kiss came a few years later. I made the mistake of not telling the boy who was doing the kissing that this was my first time, because at 22 I thought that was a little bit embarrassing. (Ok fine I was 24) I had some sort of delusion that maybe he wouldn't notice that I had no idea what I was doing. As it was he never did guess that it was my first time, he simply looked at me funny and said, "Is it my breath, should I go find some gum?"  I'm no expert in this area, as I've just proved, but I don't think this comment meant it was an amazing kiss. The fabulous thing about the whole thing is that I remember every detail of my first love, but for the life of me I cannot remember the name of the boy who was my first kiss. I do remember he was Canadian, and he had blue eyes.... I think he had blue eyes. And it didn't end all bad, he did eventually find that gum......

First loves and first kisses, I'm feeling very sentimental today.

An Ode to Kim

I recently found out my very good friend and colleague has put in her two weeks notice at my place of work.  Now I am not technically supposed to know this yet, so I am sharing it only with you my readers, and my facebook friends. But no one else. I always kind of wondered why she was there in the first place since she is so amazing and way over qualified for the position she was in, so I am deep down very happy for her and wish her the best. On the outside I will be angry and hostile, it is never a good idea to show people that we care, (some quick advise from me) So in honor of her leaving I am dedicating this post to her, mostly because I will miss her, but partly because I really wanted to use the word 'ode' in a blog post and this is a good opportunity. So here is to you, Kim Petty, an ode to you!

Now one of the issues with writing an ode to Kim is that I have only known her a couple of months and I do not have any good stories of her, but that's ok because I am very good at storytelling and I can just make one up, so here is the story of the time Kim and I went shopping.

We had planned to go shopping together for days because we both made so much money we really needed to spend it. After much discussion we decided to have no budget for the day, and to not limit ourselves to shopping alone, but clean entertainment of any kind. First we decided to drop by Kim's uncle's place, Tom Petty, and have him sing a few jams for us. This was fun since I have always been a pretty big fan of Tom Petty and singing 'Free Falling' live with just me and Tom Petty happened to be on my bucket list. After our quick stop at his house we went to the deep south to see another one of Kim's uncles, Richard Petty, race in a NASCAR race. Now I am not a huge NASCAR fan, but relatives are relatives, and famous relatives are famous relatives, so we went. (Plus Kim is a REALLY big NASCAR fan, something I didn't know about her before this day). After this it was starting to be afternoon and we needed to get some serious shopping done, we decided New York was the best place to do this and found ourselves there in short order. Several thousand dollars and lots of fun shopping bags later we decided a couple drinks and some dancing was a good way to end the evening. We knew that Vegas was of course the best place for this so we went to a very hot night club, of which I can't remember the name. They let us in right away, mumbling something about incredibly hot girls and how lucky their club was that night. It was here that we danced the night away, I even had a chance to pull out my famous Sexy dance that so very few people have been privileged to see, it pushed the lines of 'clean fun' but stayed with in its boundaries. After our dancing we decided to call it a day and jetted home so we could be sure to get to work on time the next day.

Im sure after this story you can see why I'm going to miss her so much, so many memories......

So in conclusion, Kim I hope you finish up Harry Potter, I hope your new job is awesome, and I really hope you take me to meet your uncles again.

I am Bridget Jones

Bridget Jones was in her 32nd year when she started her famous diary that later turned into a movie. This year, more than ever, I feel like we are the same person. Apart from the fact that I don't smoke and I still find it a little bit disgusting that she does. Also I don't say the F word. I can't even write the F word. I like to swear as much as the rest of them, but for some reason I have never been able to say the F word. Anyways for those of you unfamiliar with the movie Bridget Jones Diary, she was a single girl who was 32, her biggest fear was dying alone and being eaten by wild dogs. It is the story of her very awkwardly trying to find love and in the end finding the perfect mark Darcy. Its a great movie, one of my favorites actually, although I would venture to guess there is no guy who has ever liked this movie.

Anyways how is it that I find myself thinking I am Bridget Jones? Well there is the fact that we are both in our 32nd year, although I am loath to admit this. I too have a fear of dying alone, I don't think that wild dogs will eat me though. (Although I do sometimes wonder about Joey) I more think what if I was kidnapped and nobody noticed for a week? This is very possible, apart from the fact that a kidnapping is very unlikely. Mostly though I am Bridget Jones because of my awkwardness. I have met very few people who are as awkward as I am around boys. I go to peoples houses every day and I doubt you'll meet a more confident person than I am when I make those calls. I am a sales person, there has to be a certain amount of confidence to pull off a job like that. But when it comes to boys, especially boys that I find attractive, I am the most awkward person you have ever met.

I used to work at Macy's and there used to be this guy that I thought was really cute that worked at a kiosk right outside our doors. One day I was walking out our doors and I saw him watching me walk towards him. In my mind I was yelling at myself, "Play it cool Grace. Play it cool! Just walk normal, don't do anything stupid, just one foot in front of the other, smile on your face, come on you have like thirty feet and then this will be over." Meanwhile as I was walking I felt my shoe, which was a slip on, start to slip off.  I started to completely panic. I couldn't stop, and I couldn't keep going. I started sweating and my mouth went dry. Suddenly I got this brilliant idea that what if I used gravity. What if I gave my foot a slight kick forcing my shoe up a little bit so that it would land firmly back on my foot and I could continue to walk uninterrupted. This plan seemed brilliant, so I did just that. The problem was my "slight kick" came out a little jerky and I kicked my shoe completely off my foot and into the cute guy standing 30 feet away.

Another time I ran into a guy that I had had a crush on unexpectedly. He was like, "Oh hey Grace!" and I opened my mouth...... and nothing came out. No words at all. He looked at me and I just kept moving my mouth, trying to say something. Meanwhile in my brain I was like, "Say something, anything will do, just say something!" Eventually he gave me and odd look and walked away. That crush never did work out for me........?

So there is the awkwardness, we have that in common, Bridget Jones and I. We have the age, and the weight, and the determinedness to change our lives. (I made up that word, determinedness) There is the occasional overindulgence of alcohol, and the lack of cooking skills. My point is friends, that I am Bridget Jones! And because at the end of her 32nd year she met Mark Darcy I think this means I will also meet Mark Darcy this year! Or.... what I mean to say is I will meet somebody like Mark Darcy. Maybe it will be Ryan Reynolds...... I do love Ryan Reynolds.

New Years Things To Do

I believe every single person reaches an age where they are just so tired of "the game". By 'the game' I mean the boy/girl, birds/bees, dating/dumping, like/love/hate/ and creeper game. (The creeper one might just be me...?) This game was scary when we were 12, fun when we were teenagers, and maybe too much fun in our early twenties. But when a person reaches their thirties, I believe, they are ready to be done. Its not quite as much fun trying to figure out what some guy meant by something he said or did, or didn't say or didn't do. Your married friends start to think you are immature when you are giggling about a boy who made eye contact with you when your 32.  It just becomes maddening. Which is why my New Years Resolution is to date more!

You may be wondering how my brain got there, and I expected you to be wondering that, so let me tell you. Have you ever noticed that our new years resolutions are things we hate to do? Its never I will eat more ice cream, or get more massages. I will skip work more often and eat in less. No they are things like, I will clean my toilets every week and run 4 miles per day. I will spend less money on shoes and lose 15 pounds. Well this is how I got there. I also need to date more. My new years resolution list might as well be called, 'list of things to do that I hate'.

So bring it on friends, I am ready to be set up with boys, I will not be picky except they can not be married and must be within 15 years of my age. But you'd better hurry with your set ups, my new years resolutions have a way of fizzling out......